And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
