please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
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He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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