I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
