i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
