I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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