remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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