Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
