Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
