i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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