i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
