using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
