Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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