I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
