One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
