for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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