Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
