did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
