You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
