this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
