theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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