hotel room ftw
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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