Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
