Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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