you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
