im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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