I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
