Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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