Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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