she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
