everyone is single if you try hard enough
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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