dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize