Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
