I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
