Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
