Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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