Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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