last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
