My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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