why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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