yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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