Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
