things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
