btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
