the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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