I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
