I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
