I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
