i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
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Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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