I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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