hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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