There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
