um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
