I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
