How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
