why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
