I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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