Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
