If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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