stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
