just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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