Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
