you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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