Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
