i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
